Sunday, June 11, 2006

Where The Hell Have I Been?

I knew I would have trouble with a blog, keeping up with it, I mean. During the last month I have been on retreat to Quartz Mountain, twice to Tulsa (from OKC) and the kids are out of school. The good news is that there are only 1287 hours until school starts out again in August.

I have spent a good deal of the last month thinking about the world and my place in it. I have three kids yet I can't keep a house plant alive. I drive a minivan yet I dream of riding on the back of a motorcycle from one music festival to another. I am a housewife but everybody knows that I really am faking it the best I can. I love my husband and the kids I just always feel that I should or could be better at the job.

I used to work at a radio station in Palm Springs and I lived in the hills. By lived I mean slept and ate, and by the hills I mean Tahquitz Canyon. I also mean a cave with other hippies waiting for the summer Grateful Dead tour to start. Or Physh. Or whoever. It was justa peaceful time.

Now I have an alkarm clock, an eight-year-old son who likes to lick me, a 14-year-old daughter who hates me, and a seventeen-year-old daughter that is more concerned with her boyfriend and color guard than whether she has hurt my feelings. Man-o-mine holds down the fort and I am left in Limbo. I volunteer (then I am gone to much)...I stay home (then I need to get out more)...the point is that I try hard to make everybody happy and forget sometimes what makes me happy.

I discovered this house on a trip home to Tulsa and it occured to me that it was an analgum of my own life experiences. Somehow, my family and friends provide me with support (like the beams and roof) and let me smatter the rest with whatever adventure I set out on.

Seeing this house reminded me that I am not judged so much for what I can't do anymore but for what I can still do. Regardless of anything, whether I feel it's good enough or not, I do the best I can. Most of the time it is smooth sailing. Most of the time life is still an adventure. The problem is that most of the time there is laundry waiting, kids waiting, husband waiting...and I am not a waitress. I am not only a "dirty hippie" by self description, people see it and call me on it.

The catch is trying to be responsible at the same time. And I really just want to catch the bus to the next concert, not just a quick trip to the Walmart.


Blogger Rave said...

We all wonder 'what if' sometimes in our life.
We all wonder if we are doing the right thing.
We all wish we could be someplace else occasionally.
And I am positive we all wish (sometimes) that we didn't have responsibilities.

I don't have all the questions. But I do have the answer. (Yeah, Hubby will tell me I *always* have an answer!)...
...and that answer is...

Happiness is a CHOICE, not a destination.

11:08 PM  
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