Promise Made

It has been suggested that I return to blogging as a way to express myself, work through ideas, and debrief about lifes happenings.

It is to difficult (and somewhat painful to review the past two years), however, it occurs to me that I need to look forward rather than relive the trials and tribulations of motherhood, marraige, etc...

So let me share the good things, I have been accepted into a MSW program and have begun classes. I continue to work fulltime and continue to enjoy fullfillment that I have never received from a paid position (as opposed to volunteer work).

Last week I did something I have always wanted to do...I did a 10-minute comedy routine about living and living well with mental illness (as I do). People laughed and I have been bitten by the bug...I must do this again.

No Excuses Here

If anyone still bothers to check, I am alive and well and living in Midwest City. I have no excuses for not keeping up with my blog, yes I have been busy, but so are you, yes I either have to much to say and am overwhelmed by the task, or don't have anything interesting to share and am bored with my own life. I will share the top five 'events' in the last six motnhs and make a vow to do better in 2007.

1) No job to part time job to full time job (more money, less time)
2) Family vacation to Atlanta, grown up cruise with in-laws--enough said
3) Oldest daughters birth mother appeared out of nowhere to make contact
4) Polyp Removal (sexy, huh?)
5) Band Booster (husband pres, me first lady)

Meanwhile...back at the ranch...

The rules:
Copy this to your blog and highlight the ones you've done in your life.

* Bought everyone in the bar a drink
* Swam with wild dolphins
* Climbed a mountain
* Driven anything over 100 MPH
* Been inside the Great Pyramid (I'm hoping Ixtapa in Mexico counts)
* Held a tarantula
* Taken a candlelit bath with someone
* Said “I love you” and meant it
* Hugged a tree
* Bungee jumped
* Visited Paris
* Watched a lightning storm at sea
* Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
* Seen the Northern Lights
* Gone to a huge sports game (...and the Cardinals win the Series)
* Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
* Grown and eaten your own vegetables
* Touched an iceberg
* Slept under the stars
* Changed a baby’s diaper
* Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
* Watched a meteor shower
* Gotten drunk on champagne
* Given more than you can afford to charity
* Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
* Had a food fight
* Bet on a winning horse
* Asked out a stranger
* Had a snowball fight
* Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
* Held a lamb
* Seen a total eclipse of the moon
* Ridden a roller coaster
* Hit a home run
* Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
* Adopted an accent for an entire day
* Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
* Had two hard drives for your computer
* Visited all 50 states
* Taken care of someone who was drunk
* Had amazing friends
* Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
* Watched wild whales
* Stolen a sign
* Backpacked in Europe
* Taken a road-trip
* Gone rock climbing
* Midnight walk on the beach
* Gone sky diving
* Visited Ireland
* Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
* In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
* Visited Japan
* Milked a cow
* Alphabetized your CDs
* Pretended to be a superhero
* Sung karaoke
* Lounged around in bed all day
* Played touch football
* Kissed in the rain
* scuba Diving
*Played in the mud
* Played in the rain
* Gone to a drive-in theater
* Visited the Great Wall of China
* Started a business
* Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
* Toured ancient sites
* Taken a martial arts class
* Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
* Gotten married
* Been in a movie
* Crashed a party
* Gotten divorced
* Gone without food for 5 days
* Made cookies from scratch
* Won first prize in a costume contest
* Ridden a gondola in Venice
* Gotten a tattoo
* Rafted the Snake River
* Been on television news programs as an “expert”
* Got flowers for no reason
* Performed on stage
* Been to Las Vegas
* Recorded music
* Eaten shark
* Kissed on the first date
* Gone to Thailand
* Bought a house
* Been in a combat zone
* Buried one/both of your parents
* Been on a cruise ship
* Spoken more than one language fluently
* Performed in Rocky Horror
* Raised children
* Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
* Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
* Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
* Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
* Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
* Had plastic surgery
* Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
* Wrote articles for a large publication
* Lost over 100 pounds
* Held someone while they were having a flashback
* Piloted an airplane
* Touched a stingray
* Broken someone’s heart
* Helped an animal give birth
* Won money on a T.V. game show
* Broken a bone
* Gone on an African photo safari
* Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
* Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
* Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
* Ridden a horse
* Had major surgery
* Had a snake as a pet
* Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
* Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
* Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
* Visited all 7 continents
* Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
* Eaten kangaroo meat
* Eaten sushi
* Had your picture in the newspaper
* Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
* Gone back to school
* Parasailed
* Touched a cockroach
* Eaten fried green tomatoes
* Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
* Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
* Killed and prepared an animal for eating
* Skipped all your school reunions
* Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
* Been elected to public office
* Written your own computer language
* Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
* Had to put someone you love into hospice care
* Built your own PC from parts
* Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
* Had a booth at a street fair
* Dyed your hair
* Been a DJ
* Shaved your head
* Caused a car accident
* Saved someone’s life

College Boys

A year ago Barbie was always at home. Always available to help, babysit, clean-up, etc...and then around the time of the prom she started to branch out a little bit. Going out on dates (realized boys with cars is more fun than being dropped off by mom), curfews, and checking insurance and driving records has now become the norm at our house.

I should also tell you that Barbie has a boyfriend of (off and on) like five years, but this fact isn't crimping her style. As a matter of fact, now that Boyfriend has his drivers license, she may gravitate back to him.

But last night, somehow in the confusion of her leaving, my husband and I didn't realize that Barbie was leaving the house with a college Junior to watch the basketball game. Man-o-mine had a coronary when he found out (after she left).

Now, Barbie has explained how every boy relationship she has, with the exception of Boyfriend is completely platonic, which is fine. But I do wonder if all these boys/men have the same intentions?

After all a junior in college probably has different date expectations than a junior in highschool.

And even though Barbie is 17 she is still my little girl. I'm not ready for her to grow up and outward bound.

Getting Fired

Do you ever get the feeling that something big is going to happen? There have been occasions in my life when I have known things were about to change big time. I knew that my grandfather was dead before anyone told me. I knew I was pregnant with my children before the fertilized egg had time to implant.

I don't think I am psychic, but I do think I am intuiitive and good at filling in the blanks. Although it is interesting to note that I do come from gypsy stock and my grandmother could levitate tables. But I digress.

Which leads me to the point...I think I am about to get fired...by my therapist. Now this is a tough one...because he is the only person in my world who I pay to listen to me ramble, dream, and explore. Everyone else does it for free.

Why do I think I am getting fired? 1) I tried to change my appointment and he never called me back, 2) so I kept my appointment time, and he called 15 minutes before my appointment to cancel on me.

Now it is possible that the paranoid factor in my brain disorder has me working overtime. But maybe I am right, I am about to get fired. Then what am I going to do? I'll have to find another talking friend, learn to trust, confide, then worry about getting fired again?

I hate getting fired, especially by somebody I pay.

What About Bob?

I am not sure which was more enjoyable...going to the 11th Annual Bricktown Festival or wathing and meeting people at the Festival.

The festival was a free event that brought in hordes of people from across the spectrum...and as a self-proclaimed people watcher it was heaven.

I noticed Bob right away. He was doing an exotic dance routine in front of the crowds...totally enjoying the music.

Of course, he became the guy that I wanted to meet. Between the sets, man-o-mine and I moved closer to the front and closer to our soon-to-be-new friend.

His name is Bob and he is a Vietnam Veteran. Yes, a vet who loves to dance. He is also mute (old war injury). I brought out my pad of paper and we wrote back and forth. I learned that he has five dogs, five kids and three grand kids. He is a painter now. He is 60 but doesn't look a day over 40.

His smile was the most disarming thing I have ever seen. Pure joy.

I was thinking yesteray how hard it would be to lose the ability to speak. I hope I would tackle it with the same humor as Bob.

He can't sing along to the lyrics but dances like he feels the music in his bones. and his heart.

Bob disappeared for a little while during the concert and came back with beer for us. Like we did something for him, when in truth, he made the night for us.

Thank you, Bob.

May the music be with you.

Bet You Didn't Know

111 Things About Me...hmmmm...

1. I was born during the Oklahoma Blizzard of January 1970.
2. My mom swears I was born in the middle of the night but according to my birth certificate it was more like 9:02 a.m. (my mom obviously likes to sleep in.) That is why I have no sense of time.
3. I have one brother (younger) who I see once every five years.
4. I believe in fate.
5. My favorite color is brown.
6. Patchoulli calms my soul.
7. 1) History Channel 2)National Geographic Channel 3)DIY
8. 1)House 2) Boston Legal 3) Desperate Housewives
9. My first movie/tv star crush was on Rick Springfield
10. I think I am funny
11. My parents are still married
12. I have lived in three different communes
13. I lived with monks in silence for a week
14. When I was 19 I moved to Colorado with my boyfriend/first husband to be...aND CAN REMEMBER NOTHING ABOUT THE ENTIRE THREE MONTHS except some guy slept on our couch (his name was Slayer)
15. I am right handed
16. I know how to read Tarot Cards
17. I would like to take dance classes
18. Favorite Movies: Sunset Blvd., Mildred Pierce., Natural Born Killers
19. I like the opera
20. My hero is my dad.
21. I remember meeting Rave for the first time (softball) becoming friends (on the way home from Shawnee) and really bonding over how cute the towtruck driver was at Walgreens.
22. I don't know what an IPOD is or how to use it
23. I get nervous when I play Spades on-line even though I have a high score
24. Long Island Iced Tea
25. Favorite time of the day--after the kids are asleep
26. Favorite season: Autumn/Fall
27. The easiest decision I ever made was to divorce and become a single parent
28. I am glad I remarried. Man-o-mine can be an asshole, but he is mine
29. If I had the money I would go to an Ashram for awhile
30. I am more broad in my theology than most of the people around me...for example, I don't care if Jesus was married.
31. I am a carnivore...I love meat, especially steak.
32. One of my biggest turn ons is the way my husband smells after he has been grilling on the bar-b-que.
33. Favorite place on earth, in no particular order, Tahquitz Canyon or Joshua Tree; Durango, CO/Mesa Verde, CO
34. Favorite Drink: Icee's, Diet Coke or Iced Tea.
35. 42D
36. Nature vs. Nurture, definately both
37. Music? Leonard Cohen, Van Morrison, Nick Cave, and the Blues
38. I love live music, it excites me
39. AC/DC Back in Black was my first concert and the first time I drank beer
40. I hate board games (Monopoly) but love games of strategy (Othello, Chess)
41. I hate brussel sprouts
42. Sometimes I wish I had another baby
43. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the babies I have
44. I learn more about my kids from listening to them talk in the car to eachother than they want me to know.
45. TOP SECRET: I like the band Air Supply
46. I prefer concerts that are outside rather than inside
47. I tend to take pictures of the unusual rather than of people (unless they are unusual)
48. Sometimes I wonder who my real dad is and if he knows about me
49. I make lists of things to do so I don't forget
50. I'm afraid of big trucks on the highway
51. Favorite Author: Stephen King
52. Favorite Book: The Stand
53. The only female rock singer I can stand is Janis Joplin (I hate Pat Benetar, Stevie Nix and Heart)
54. Man-o-mines first date was to see the Eagles in Dallas
55. Msan-o-mine and I will have been married nine years on Wednesday
56. Hardwood floors rule.
57. Barefoot or flipflops. I hate tight shoes.
58. The only piece of jewelry I wear consistently is my wedding ring.
59. I have picked out my new tatoo. ( I will share pics as soon as it is legal to get it done here in the Bible Belt)
60. I believe I can do it all therefor I accomplish very little
61. Sometimes I wonder if I am just lazy instead of clinically depressed
62. I love to learn and would love to earn a PHD in Psychology
63. I hate swallowing pills
64. i KNOW i need to quit but I love to smoke
65. I like long skirts
66. The first thing I notice about a man is his legs. I love defined calf muscles.
67. I have kissed a girl
68. I love man-o-mines nicknames for me. It makes me feel special.
69. I wish I got along better with my mother-in-law.
70. I am in therapy.
71. I think blogging is therapy.
72. I love to watch people.
73. I write poems.
74. I have taken the road less traveled many times
75. Biggest mistake? 1988-1990
76. Proudest moment? Walking across the stage at my college graduation
77. Sometimes I get stir cray and resist the urge to run away from home
78. I like throwing small dinner parties
79. If my husband would let me I would cook more (I really like to bake)
80. Biggest surprise this week? My husband watched Pretty Woman by himself.
81. Motto I live by: If its organic don't panic.
82. I had my first kiss in 1st grade. His name was Charles.
83. Most romantic moment? When my husband learned how to play guitar and sang If I Were A Carpenter for our anniversary.
84. I like diners
85. I love Cheese
86. If I had a choice between more hours in the day or more money throughout the week...I would go with the money
87. Sometimes I think I am a lousy parent
88. When I was growing up we named our animals after presidents and their wives
89. When I moved out I had a black cat named PeaceFrog and another silver persian inbred psychocat named CODAKITTY.
90. I worry that I am becoming my mother.
91. When I was little I lived with my grandparents
92. I like wearing false fingernails
93. I hate using other peoples bathrooms (people I dont know well)
94. I enjoyed Brokeback Mountain but didn't understand why it was such a big deal
95. I enjoyed the Davinci Code but didn't understand why it is such a big deal
96. I radiate heat when I sleep...people used to tell me that all the time.
97. Alcohol? Long Island Iced Tea and Jagermeister shots (not at the same time).
98. I have lost 30 pounds this year.
99. I drive to fast.
100. I was going to let my hair turn its natural color...it was gray,..so I changed my mind.
101. I like true crime shows and biographies.
102. I thought my cell phone was broken and it turns out it was just turned off.
103. The best part of childbirth was the drugs.
104. I hate my house but with a little help from my friends it gets better everyday
105. I am intimated by Doctors.
106. I collect antique Fiestaware.
107. I believe in God
108. I love music but never get the lyrics right
109. Rainy Days and Mondays always bring me down
110. Butter Pecan Ice Cream, do I need to say more?
111. As Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."

Love and Other Indoor Sports

Man-o-mine shared an epiphany he had with me last night.

He said, "You know, I've thought about it and I think you must love me more than I love you."

At the time, I thought he was just playing around and teasing me. This led me to ask why he thinks that, of course.

"Because you accept me for who I am. Even my insecurities. You accept me yet I am always trying to change something about you. How do you stand it?"

I really had not thought of love like that. I mean I try to show the kids unconditional love. I show my friends unconditional love. But I hadn't thought of my marraige as unconditional. There are definately things he does that make me angry. We occasionally hurt each others feelings but that's because we do not pussy foot around issues. We really call each other on assholeness and bitchiness. Most of the time, like 99%,we get along like peas in a pod.

The more I have thought about what he said the more I realized that he had a point though. When I fight with man-o-mine it is about being understood, not being right. When he is fighting with me it is to change something. Change my mind, change of heart, or changing the course, change is the key to his arguments.

I wonder if this is the difference between men an women, or if man-o-mine is on to something.

Where The Hell Have I Been?

I knew I would have trouble with a blog, keeping up with it, I mean. During the last month I have been on retreat to Quartz Mountain, twice to Tulsa (from OKC) and the kids are out of school. The good news is that there are only 1287 hours until school starts out again in August.

I have spent a good deal of the last month thinking about the world and my place in it. I have three kids yet I can't keep a house plant alive. I drive a minivan yet I dream of riding on the back of a motorcycle from one music festival to another. I am a housewife but everybody knows that I really am faking it the best I can. I love my husband and the kids I just always feel that I should or could be better at the job.

I used to work at a radio station in Palm Springs and I lived in the hills. By lived I mean slept and ate, and by the hills I mean Tahquitz Canyon. I also mean a cave with other hippies waiting for the summer Grateful Dead tour to start. Or Physh. Or whoever. It was justa peaceful time.

Now I have an alkarm clock, an eight-year-old son who likes to lick me, a 14-year-old daughter who hates me, and a seventeen-year-old daughter that is more concerned with her boyfriend and color guard than whether she has hurt my feelings. Man-o-mine holds down the fort and I am left in Limbo. I volunteer (then I am gone to much)...I stay home (then I need to get out more)...the point is that I try hard to make everybody happy and forget sometimes what makes me happy.

I discovered this house on a trip home to Tulsa and it occured to me that it was an analgum of my own life experiences. Somehow, my family and friends provide me with support (like the beams and roof) and let me smatter the rest with whatever adventure I set out on.

Seeing this house reminded me that I am not judged so much for what I can't do anymore but for what I can still do. Regardless of anything, whether I feel it's good enough or not, I do the best I can. Most of the time it is smooth sailing. Most of the time life is still an adventure. The problem is that most of the time there is laundry waiting, kids waiting, husband waiting...and I am not a waitress. I am not only a "dirty hippie" by self description, people see it and call me on it.

The catch is trying to be responsible at the same time. And I really just want to catch the bus to the next concert, not just a quick trip to the Walmart.

PROJECT: HIGH SCHOOL

Huh, I don't think we're in Shermer, IL, anymore.

The dream is always the same. I primp and preen in front of the mirror until I am confident that I look just a little better than I feel. Mental checklist: VANS tennis shoes, parachute pants or faded LEVI's 501 jeans, an Ocean Pacific T-shirt or better yet an Izod or POLO shirt (depending on how good I am feeling in my dream)and a SWATCH around my wrist. I go outside my two story brick house and glide onto the bus that is waiting curbside. As I walk to the back of the bus the emergency exit opens and I am at the front doors of the highschool and I saunter through somekind of electric meter reader and I realize that not only am I the center of every teenage angst movie ever created but that I am dressed all wrong for the part. Nobody is wearing VANS, or OP's. It's like the walking into a meeting naked dream except more intense.

This is not a John Hughes movie where each group/clique signifies and stands up for a particular highschool insecurity and heartache. No this is the real deal highschool. Cruelty and all.

Today, I had to go into my daughters highschool before school. Each area of the commons were made up of the same groups from when I was in highschool, as I'm sure you remember also.

But they seem so much more confident than my generation did. We were all kind os shell shocked in highschool. Computer lab was learning a DOS program that did simple math, pagers were for doctors and drug dealers (cell phones were barely on the horizon)and yes, MTV played videos.

Who are these kids today? Then I remembered the valuable advice Mr. Hughes gave everyone in the eighties...

"You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club

I swear to God all the groups are still present and accounted for in todays highschool. I was so overwhelmed by the experience I think I started breaking into hives.

Pyramid Schemes and Birthday Parties

I am the most happy go lucky person you will ever meet. I believe that everyone holds promise of some sort (even if the promise is just that they make me laugh because of their actions).

I am lucky I have a sense of humor.

Man-o-mine comes from a large family. There is approximately one birthday party a month on his side of the family and this weekend was no exception.

Scheduled to start at 2 p.m. I became aware that something was going on at 2:30 when we were asked to pull up our chairs and get prepaired to change our lives. Yes, man-o-mines Aunt and Uncle had discovered a product so versatile, so functional, and so amazing our lives would never be the same.

I came for a bar-b-cue and instead was afflicted with information about how this particlur product increases gas mileage by approximately 7 miles per gallon.

Of course, this wonderful product is not available through stores but only through a licensed dealer, like them.

Luckily, this is a ground floor opportunity for people who are truly adventurous...and not to bright...because, for a couple of thousand dollars you can buy a distributorship. Yippee!

I pondered this ettiquete question all night long and finally decided that Emily Post and Miss Manners would have a stroke if they knew people were now turning birthday parties into franchise opportunities.

Then I remembered the wedding shower I was invited to. A Pampered Chef shower. All I need to bring is cash, the hostess is on commission and the bride elect gets to point out all of the awesome products she wants as her friends grapple to call dibs on the more economical items chosen.

Did I mention that the hostess gets commission?

Is the trend really to get reimbursed for the cost of the party? Is the purpose of a party to make money a profit of friends and family?

MARRIED TO A SKINHEAD

Man mine does not primp, he does not care about his hair, he doesn't even care about his eyebrows which can be very unruly. So, when he was approached 6 months to tlet his short hair grow into a curly afro so that the act of shaving it could be auctioned off during a church function, RELAY FOR LIFE.

After he agreed to go bald for the cause I watched this man become an expert in the differences between mousse and gel, deep conditioning treatments, and one eyebrow wax.

He definately became a little concieted when these brown beautiful locks started growing from his traditional crew cut head. I started to like it about two weeks ago. You know grabbing onto it during coitus, stroking his hair when I fell asleep, Sharing a hairbrush and a blowdryer.

And now it is gone.

My daughter, Barbie got the glorious task of shaving his head in front of the entire church family.

I watched horrified as each lock hit the floor.

I watched horrified as Barbie gelled the remaing hair in the mohawk with liberty spikes.

But I kind of liked shaving the rest of it of tonight. Kind of a power trip. Razor play as it were.

And now I am married to lifsize model of Mr. Clean and I hope he can live up to the task.