Wednesday, June 21, 2006

College Boys

A year ago Barbie was always at home. Always available to help, babysit, clean-up, etc...and then around the time of the prom she started to branch out a little bit. Going out on dates (realized boys with cars is more fun than being dropped off by mom), curfews, and checking insurance and driving records has now become the norm at our house.

I should also tell you that Barbie has a boyfriend of (off and on) like five years, but this fact isn't crimping her style. As a matter of fact, now that Boyfriend has his drivers license, she may gravitate back to him.

But last night, somehow in the confusion of her leaving, my husband and I didn't realize that Barbie was leaving the house with a college Junior to watch the basketball game. Man-o-mine had a coronary when he found out (after she left).

Now, Barbie has explained how every boy relationship she has, with the exception of Boyfriend is completely platonic, which is fine. But I do wonder if all these boys/men have the same intentions?

After all a junior in college probably has different date expectations than a junior in highschool.

And even though Barbie is 17 she is still my little girl. I'm not ready for her to grow up and outward bound.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Getting Fired

Do you ever get the feeling that something big is going to happen? There have been occasions in my life when I have known things were about to change big time. I knew that my grandfather was dead before anyone told me. I knew I was pregnant with my children before the fertilized egg had time to implant.

I don't think I am psychic, but I do think I am intuiitive and good at filling in the blanks. Although it is interesting to note that I do come from gypsy stock and my grandmother could levitate tables. But I digress.

Which leads me to the point...I think I am about to get my therapist. Now this is a tough one...because he is the only person in my world who I pay to listen to me ramble, dream, and explore. Everyone else does it for free.

Why do I think I am getting fired? 1) I tried to change my appointment and he never called me back, 2) so I kept my appointment time, and he called 15 minutes before my appointment to cancel on me.

Now it is possible that the paranoid factor in my brain disorder has me working overtime. But maybe I am right, I am about to get fired. Then what am I going to do? I'll have to find another talking friend, learn to trust, confide, then worry about getting fired again?

I hate getting fired, especially by somebody I pay.

What About Bob?

I am not sure which was more enjoyable...going to the 11th Annual Bricktown Festival or wathing and meeting people at the Festival.

The festival was a free event that brought in hordes of people from across the spectrum...and as a self-proclaimed people watcher it was heaven.

I noticed Bob right away. He was doing an exotic dance routine in front of the crowds...totally enjoying the music.

Of course, he became the guy that I wanted to meet. Between the sets, man-o-mine and I moved closer to the front and closer to our soon-to-be-new friend.

His name is Bob and he is a Vietnam Veteran. Yes, a vet who loves to dance. He is also mute (old war injury). I brought out my pad of paper and we wrote back and forth. I learned that he has five dogs, five kids and three grand kids. He is a painter now. He is 60 but doesn't look a day over 40.

His smile was the most disarming thing I have ever seen. Pure joy.

I was thinking yesteray how hard it would be to lose the ability to speak. I hope I would tackle it with the same humor as Bob.

He can't sing along to the lyrics but dances like he feels the music in his bones. and his heart.

Bob disappeared for a little while during the concert and came back with beer for us. Like we did something for him, when in truth, he made the night for us.

Thank you, Bob.

May the music be with you.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Bet You Didn't Know

111 Things About Me...hmmmm...

1. I was born during the Oklahoma Blizzard of January 1970.
2. My mom swears I was born in the middle of the night but according to my birth certificate it was more like 9:02 a.m. (my mom obviously likes to sleep in.) That is why I have no sense of time.
3. I have one brother (younger) who I see once every five years.
4. I believe in fate.
5. My favorite color is brown.
6. Patchoulli calms my soul.
7. 1) History Channel 2)National Geographic Channel 3)DIY
8. 1)House 2) Boston Legal 3) Desperate Housewives
9. My first movie/tv star crush was on Rick Springfield
10. I think I am funny
11. My parents are still married
12. I have lived in three different communes
13. I lived with monks in silence for a week
14. When I was 19 I moved to Colorado with my boyfriend/first husband to be...aND CAN REMEMBER NOTHING ABOUT THE ENTIRE THREE MONTHS except some guy slept on our couch (his name was Slayer)
15. I am right handed
16. I know how to read Tarot Cards
17. I would like to take dance classes
18. Favorite Movies: Sunset Blvd., Mildred Pierce., Natural Born Killers
19. I like the opera
20. My hero is my dad.
21. I remember meeting Rave for the first time (softball) becoming friends (on the way home from Shawnee) and really bonding over how cute the towtruck driver was at Walgreens.
22. I don't know what an IPOD is or how to use it
23. I get nervous when I play Spades on-line even though I have a high score
24. Long Island Iced Tea
25. Favorite time of the day--after the kids are asleep
26. Favorite season: Autumn/Fall
27. The easiest decision I ever made was to divorce and become a single parent
28. I am glad I remarried. Man-o-mine can be an asshole, but he is mine
29. If I had the money I would go to an Ashram for awhile
30. I am more broad in my theology than most of the people around me...for example, I don't care if Jesus was married.
31. I am a carnivore...I love meat, especially steak.
32. One of my biggest turn ons is the way my husband smells after he has been grilling on the bar-b-que.
33. Favorite place on earth, in no particular order, Tahquitz Canyon or Joshua Tree; Durango, CO/Mesa Verde, CO
34. Favorite Drink: Icee's, Diet Coke or Iced Tea.
35. 42D
36. Nature vs. Nurture, definately both
37. Music? Leonard Cohen, Van Morrison, Nick Cave, and the Blues
38. I love live music, it excites me
39. AC/DC Back in Black was my first concert and the first time I drank beer
40. I hate board games (Monopoly) but love games of strategy (Othello, Chess)
41. I hate brussel sprouts
42. Sometimes I wish I had another baby
43. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the babies I have
44. I learn more about my kids from listening to them talk in the car to eachother than they want me to know.
45. TOP SECRET: I like the band Air Supply
46. I prefer concerts that are outside rather than inside
47. I tend to take pictures of the unusual rather than of people (unless they are unusual)
48. Sometimes I wonder who my real dad is and if he knows about me
49. I make lists of things to do so I don't forget
50. I'm afraid of big trucks on the highway
51. Favorite Author: Stephen King
52. Favorite Book: The Stand
53. The only female rock singer I can stand is Janis Joplin (I hate Pat Benetar, Stevie Nix and Heart)
54. Man-o-mines first date was to see the Eagles in Dallas
55. Msan-o-mine and I will have been married nine years on Wednesday
56. Hardwood floors rule.
57. Barefoot or flipflops. I hate tight shoes.
58. The only piece of jewelry I wear consistently is my wedding ring.
59. I have picked out my new tatoo. ( I will share pics as soon as it is legal to get it done here in the Bible Belt)
60. I believe I can do it all therefor I accomplish very little
61. Sometimes I wonder if I am just lazy instead of clinically depressed
62. I love to learn and would love to earn a PHD in Psychology
63. I hate swallowing pills
64. i KNOW i need to quit but I love to smoke
65. I like long skirts
66. The first thing I notice about a man is his legs. I love defined calf muscles.
67. I have kissed a girl
68. I love man-o-mines nicknames for me. It makes me feel special.
69. I wish I got along better with my mother-in-law.
70. I am in therapy.
71. I think blogging is therapy.
72. I love to watch people.
73. I write poems.
74. I have taken the road less traveled many times
75. Biggest mistake? 1988-1990
76. Proudest moment? Walking across the stage at my college graduation
77. Sometimes I get stir cray and resist the urge to run away from home
78. I like throwing small dinner parties
79. If my husband would let me I would cook more (I really like to bake)
80. Biggest surprise this week? My husband watched Pretty Woman by himself.
81. Motto I live by: If its organic don't panic.
82. I had my first kiss in 1st grade. His name was Charles.
83. Most romantic moment? When my husband learned how to play guitar and sang If I Were A Carpenter for our anniversary.
84. I like diners
85. I love Cheese
86. If I had a choice between more hours in the day or more money throughout the week...I would go with the money
87. Sometimes I think I am a lousy parent
88. When I was growing up we named our animals after presidents and their wives
89. When I moved out I had a black cat named PeaceFrog and another silver persian inbred psychocat named CODAKITTY.
90. I worry that I am becoming my mother.
91. When I was little I lived with my grandparents
92. I like wearing false fingernails
93. I hate using other peoples bathrooms (people I dont know well)
94. I enjoyed Brokeback Mountain but didn't understand why it was such a big deal
95. I enjoyed the Davinci Code but didn't understand why it is such a big deal
96. I radiate heat when I sleep...people used to tell me that all the time.
97. Alcohol? Long Island Iced Tea and Jagermeister shots (not at the same time).
98. I have lost 30 pounds this year.
99. I drive to fast.
100. I was going to let my hair turn its natural was gray, I changed my mind.
101. I like true crime shows and biographies.
102. I thought my cell phone was broken and it turns out it was just turned off.
103. The best part of childbirth was the drugs.
104. I hate my house but with a little help from my friends it gets better everyday
105. I am intimated by Doctors.
106. I collect antique Fiestaware.
107. I believe in God
108. I love music but never get the lyrics right
109. Rainy Days and Mondays always bring me down
110. Butter Pecan Ice Cream, do I need to say more?
111. As Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."

Love and Other Indoor Sports

Man-o-mine shared an epiphany he had with me last night.

He said, "You know, I've thought about it and I think you must love me more than I love you."

At the time, I thought he was just playing around and teasing me. This led me to ask why he thinks that, of course.

"Because you accept me for who I am. Even my insecurities. You accept me yet I am always trying to change something about you. How do you stand it?"

I really had not thought of love like that. I mean I try to show the kids unconditional love. I show my friends unconditional love. But I hadn't thought of my marraige as unconditional. There are definately things he does that make me angry. We occasionally hurt each others feelings but that's because we do not pussy foot around issues. We really call each other on assholeness and bitchiness. Most of the time, like 99%,we get along like peas in a pod.

The more I have thought about what he said the more I realized that he had a point though. When I fight with man-o-mine it is about being understood, not being right. When he is fighting with me it is to change something. Change my mind, change of heart, or changing the course, change is the key to his arguments.

I wonder if this is the difference between men an women, or if man-o-mine is on to something.

Where The Hell Have I Been?

I knew I would have trouble with a blog, keeping up with it, I mean. During the last month I have been on retreat to Quartz Mountain, twice to Tulsa (from OKC) and the kids are out of school. The good news is that there are only 1287 hours until school starts out again in August.

I have spent a good deal of the last month thinking about the world and my place in it. I have three kids yet I can't keep a house plant alive. I drive a minivan yet I dream of riding on the back of a motorcycle from one music festival to another. I am a housewife but everybody knows that I really am faking it the best I can. I love my husband and the kids I just always feel that I should or could be better at the job.

I used to work at a radio station in Palm Springs and I lived in the hills. By lived I mean slept and ate, and by the hills I mean Tahquitz Canyon. I also mean a cave with other hippies waiting for the summer Grateful Dead tour to start. Or Physh. Or whoever. It was justa peaceful time.

Now I have an alkarm clock, an eight-year-old son who likes to lick me, a 14-year-old daughter who hates me, and a seventeen-year-old daughter that is more concerned with her boyfriend and color guard than whether she has hurt my feelings. Man-o-mine holds down the fort and I am left in Limbo. I volunteer (then I am gone to much)...I stay home (then I need to get out more)...the point is that I try hard to make everybody happy and forget sometimes what makes me happy.

I discovered this house on a trip home to Tulsa and it occured to me that it was an analgum of my own life experiences. Somehow, my family and friends provide me with support (like the beams and roof) and let me smatter the rest with whatever adventure I set out on.

Seeing this house reminded me that I am not judged so much for what I can't do anymore but for what I can still do. Regardless of anything, whether I feel it's good enough or not, I do the best I can. Most of the time it is smooth sailing. Most of the time life is still an adventure. The problem is that most of the time there is laundry waiting, kids waiting, husband waiting...and I am not a waitress. I am not only a "dirty hippie" by self description, people see it and call me on it.

The catch is trying to be responsible at the same time. And I really just want to catch the bus to the next concert, not just a quick trip to the Walmart.